Two men working in a factory were talking.
"I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter.
The foreman asked what he was doing up there,
and the man replied. "I'm a light-bulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman
said, and the first man walked out of the factory.
After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hello, Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in Duntara Newfoundland. Iam ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy-Cow", said Paddy. "I will have to call you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.
"Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equitment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer and Murphys farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. " I will have to get back to you."
Once again Paddy rang the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Harrigans ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Lord help us!", said Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top of the morning, Mr Hussein! Iam sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"Sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we have all had a long chat over a few pints and decided there is no way we can feed two million prisoners
Subject: Elderly An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down
in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the
street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where
he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There,
she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers. "And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and
show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me,but did either of you find any money that fell out of an
armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says,"Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus
of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any
two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would
like to be measured replied "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had
But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the
measurement was aken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and
instructed the Captain to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed
the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The Captain calmly replied "Vietnam."
Try this on the ol' tongue:
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
Subject: The old man & the hooker
The madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else."
He replied, "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she
charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his
pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an
hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie
explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that
there were no discounts. It was still $1,000 a visit.
Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room
and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the
end of their hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my
services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and your sister
gave me $3,000 to give to you."
An elderly Italian man recently asked the local priest to hear his confession.
"Father, during WW2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans.
I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with her sexual favors."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her.
God, in his wisdom and mercy will balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father, That's a great load off my mind.
Ah, I have one more question."
"And what is that," asked the priest.
The old man replied, "Should I tell her the war is over?
Did You Know! I Didn't.
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons.
Those cannon fired round iron cannon balls.
It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon.
But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?
The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top,
resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem --
how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.
But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.
The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys."
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster
than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations
would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!"
(And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)
Subject: New Terrorism Plan
Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 15:44:03 -0700 (PDT)
The new terrorism plan
The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has asked that all
Americans and Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out
terrorists hiding in our community. Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity
and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife, on
Saturday afternoon at 2:00 pm EST, all North American women are asked to
walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood
terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this
anti-terrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs
in front of your house to prove that you think it's OK to see other women
nude. (Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side
is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.) Names and addresses of
non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.
The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out
terrorists and applauds your efforts. Please by all means, send this to
your fellow Patriots to ensure 100% participation.
Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during
one of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding
Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said,
"You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services,
and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating.
So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."
The cannibals promised that they would not eat any sailors.
Four weeks later, the Commanding Admiral returned and said,
"You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.
However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said,
"Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand raised hesitantly,
to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating
Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders,
and even one Commander and no one noticed anything,
then YOU had to go and eat a Chief".
Subject: The Navy Chief at large
At a command picnic a bunch of officers are standing
A LT said, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20%
A CDR responded by saying, "No, I think that making love
is more work
I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."
Then a CAPT says, "No, making love is definitely way
more work than
I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."
They are all contemplating the conversation when a Chief
The officers call the Chief over to ask his opinion.
The CAPT says, "Chief, we are having a discussion and
would like your
The LT says that making love is 80% fun and 20%
The CDR says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work.
I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work.
What is your opinion?"
The Chief says, "Sir, you are all wrong.
Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any
you would have a Chief doing it for you!"
A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief
are off the ship together for lunch.
While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says,
"I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a
at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's
"Me next!" says the First Class.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of pina coladas and a
woman." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next,"the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief
says, "I want those
two back on the ship right after lunch."
A crusty old Chief found himself
at a gala event downtown,
hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies
in attendance, one of whom approached
the Chief for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know,
I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when is the last time you had sex?"
The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go;
you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously
- I mean, no sex since 1955,
isn't that a little extreme?"
The Chief, glancing at his watch,
said in his matter-of- fact voice,
"Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
A young Navy Officer was in a car accident,
but due to the heroics of another young officer the only permanent
injury was to both ears, which subsequently were amputated.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and
eventually became an Admiral. He remained, however, very sensitive
about his appearance.
One day the new Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the
Command Master Chief position.
The first Master Chief was a Surface warfare type and it was a great
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Surface Warfare Master Chief answered,
I couldn't help but notice you have no ears
." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his
When asked the Aviation Master Chief also replied, "Well yes.
You have no ears.
" The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with a Submarine Master Chief.
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than
the other two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question,
"Do you notice anything differently about me?"
To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes.
You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself,
what an incredibly observant Master Chief,
and he didn't mention my ears.
"And how do you know that?", the Admiral asked.
The Submarine Master Chief replied,
"Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no *#% ears."
A Sweet Irish Cookie Story... this is beautiful.....
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While
suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made
his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater
effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe,
gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony,
he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it
that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled
posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled
on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it
was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."